Your mommy is daddy’s second wife.
Our fairy tale is different than the one I dreamed of when I was your age. One day, when you’re much older, I will share with you about the reality of being a second wife.
It will be an honest conversation about how our decisions do have a ripple effects in our lives and sometimes into others lives. You will learn what that decision looked like for daddy and mommy. And how it continues to effect us years later. I can’t know exactly how that conversation will go and how it will make you feel but it is an important piece of our family’s story. My sweet girl you won’t know all of these details but this is how it makes me feel.
I am his second wife. And I don’t like it. I’ve been told that I am insecure, because EVERYONE has a past. I’ve been told that I need to just accept it and move on. But years later, it still bothers me.
I hate that I am his second wife.
There was no elopement or small wedding for them. No that was just for me. Theirs was a TRUE wedding day. No matter how many times I think I have made amends, something pops up out of the past to remind me that I am just not over it.
He and I? We didn’t have a wedding…we eloped. For many reasons, but one big one? Because they did the BIG day already. They had the real wedding.
The thought of walking down the aisle and him having a flashback of her – made my heart hurt and my stomach drop. That possibility hurt me enough to skip the whole wedding day and just elope.
My imagination got the best of me. Just thinking of what his family and friends thought of wife #2 coming along was more than I could bear. The result? I just wanted to brush our “special day” under the rug and elope.
Do I feel robbed? A little. I, of course, have him as my life partner. And that’s the most important thing.
But, I didn’t get the dress or the title of bride. And if I’m being honest and raw – I do regret that there wasn’t a celebration with family and friends and those we love most.
And to add insult to injury – because we live in a digital day and age with reminders, time hops and notifications the past pops up and my world comes crashing down. I get constant reminders (aka wedding pictures) from their wedding that his friends and family still have up.
Yes…Still. Years later, I am still plagued by seeing their first kiss as husband and wife. Seeing pictures of their first dance, cake smash and more.
Do I have a resolution to this? I don’t. It’s OK to feel sadness and struggle with some parts of our history. I am allowed to feel like I got robbed of a special day. And I know I am not alone.
Yes, everyone has a past. But why am I pressured to be accepting things that just make me feel uncomfortable? Do we ALWAYS have to be all accepting and all forgiving? Or can just have “human moments” to just be down at times? To be a little upset? As long as its not affecting our current marriage, I feel that it is totally OK. I think its OK to want to be the first and only wife. To long to share that special day, hand in hand, with my husband. I think its totally normal to desire that. After all, we are women. We dream of our special day in childhood up until we get the chance to be a bride and say ours vows. So to go your whole life without a wedding day that leads into your “happily ever after” is a little sad, indeed.
So I am not going to apologize for getting upset at times. It is OK that I want that moment to be reserved just for My husband and I. It’s understandable to be sad that its not.
To my other fellow second wives…I understand your struggle. And no matter what others tell you its fine to have those mixed feeling. Just know you are not alone. And that this is something that I too have to share with my child one day.