I am one in four.
Three years ago this month, my world was shattered, my dreams were crushed, and my heart was broken. Three years ago, I walked into a routine appointment where I thought I’d be finding out the gender of my baby, but instead I heard four words that changed my life forever, “there is no heartbeat.” It was in that moment that I knew life would never be the same.
No one ever tells you that your heart will forever have a piece that is missing.
No one ever tells you that you will forever wonder what their life would’ve been. No one ever tells you that you will forever miss that precious face that you just wanted to kiss, even for a moment. No one ever tells you how much you will miss them. But then, no one will ever understand until they have known the loss of a child.
I never even knew there was a child and infant loss awareness month. Now as I go into the start of the month that I lost my sweet boy, I am more aware than ever before. I am aware of the loneliness that comes with others not understanding your feelings. I am aware of the looks of pity and sadness. I am aware of the comments that are meant to comfort but usually only bring more pain. I am aware of the longing for the “what should’ve beens,” and the unanswered questions.
Even after three years, my heart still hurts. I still have moments when the pain is just too much to bear. I still think of how old my little guy would be or wonder what life would be like if he was here with his brothers. Time has not taken away the pain, it has only helped me heal my heart and learn my new normal.
It has shown me that there are storms in life but, rainbows still come.
And today, I sit here and can’t help but be overwhelmingly thankful for my boys that are here with me. Still, I long to hold and kiss my boy that is in heaven. I can’t wait for the day when I will see his sweet face and have them all together in my arms. But until then, I will love him and will always wonder who he would have been.